Reasons for Suicide
by RileyAnastasia
Summary: Edward's pov when he tries to commit suicide in italy. All stephenie meyer's- READ AND REVIEW! "Her. the bane of my existence and the reason for it. i guess that if i didn't love her so much, even now, i would be trying to blame this all on her."
1. Chapter 1

Chapter one: When we were happy

Disclaimer: I do not own any of the characters or anything- Stephanie Meyer does! :)

The images, clear and as vivid as if I were right there, during the happier times, when her heart was not broken, or my heart-or whatever it is we have- was ripped into shreds, flash through my mind. Her. the bane of my existence and the reason for it. I guess that if I didn't love her so much, even now, I would be trying to blame all of this on her. what if, what if… that is what should have been going through my mind. Instead, just everything I had experienced with her.

I had seen her across the cafeteria, when I first saw her at school. As the months went by, I had fallen hopelessly in love with Bella Swan. She had become my life, and then, with my emotionless, cruel face, hiding a shattering soul, breaking into little tiny, jagged pieces as I summoned up every ounce of resolve I had, just to obtain the strength to hurt her.

I had seen her face, over the previous couple of days. I, with my blank stare and lacking my usual enthusiasm, looked at her confused one. I could see that she had believed every moment, that my lie was hurting her, but I had come to the conclusion, the night after her disastrous birthday party, that in order for her to lead a normal life, without my family or my constant danger.

Mike Newton, Tyler, Eric, those were people, who, after Bella fell on glass and started to bleed could have held her hand. They didn't have to hold their breath and remove themselves from the room in order to refrain from murdering the one they love. I was too dangerous. If I had been one second slower, she would have ended up dead, neck snapped, or, if Jasper had been removed quickly enough, one of us. I would not have subjected her to that.

I see her now, even months after the event, looking at me with eyes, that although I cannot read her thoughts, clearly shone with unabashed love, and something else akin to worry. I had thought this through; my family had already left, with Bella under the impression that they were just away for a little bit.

I told Bella that I didn't love her anymore, and that I didn't want her. I could see, plainly in her eyes, that she believed me, and when she said,

"You don't want me? Well- that changes things."

I could hear the tears in her voice, and it tore me apart. This pain, that I was inflicting on her, would leave as time went on. I had assured myself of that. Human wounds heal over time. And one day, when her wound was healed and she had moved on, she would say yes to someone, someone human. Someone who could kiss her, without having to move away. Surely she would have people who would give her those opportunities, her being the beauty that she is.

Yes, I told myself. This was what Bella needed, what is best for her, even if she doesn't want it.

I could see in her eyes, and I knew that she wouldn't move on. I could see the hurt in her eyes, the pure agony, when I said those words.

"It will be as it I never existed."

I could see the pain reverberate through her. And I knew, even then, that that was a pointless promise. I could take away all physical reminders. My gifts, my pictures, but she would never forget. She would hold on, no matter what it cost her. I could see that she would cling to my memory for as long as her human mind could. She had always been a stubborn girl.

I asked her to stay safe, to take care of herself. She agreed readily, because even through what I was doing to her, she would still do whatever I asked. how did I deserve her?

I had never deserved Bella. I knew that, I had known that all along. Why didn't she run? That could have saved us all this pain. And yet she thought she didn't deserve me. What an odd world we live in. where twisted minds seduce vulnerable ones, and sweet, innocent, kind, beautiful, unselfish people fall for the murders. I am a murderer. And she is the best of humanity.

She asked me if I would forget. I told her, vampires are easily distracted. And then I left, after a quiet goodbye, her arms stretched towards me, in her eyes, agony. Her eyes were swimming with the tears, that she refused to shed.

It was torture. Leaving her like that. It has been months, and now, all I can do is curl up in a ball and let the anguish have me.

I told her I had distractions.

I laugh internally, a cruel, merciless laugh, saddened and depressed from these previous months.

I miss her, with the entirety of my mind and my body.

I will leave soon, beg her to come take me back. I will get one my knees and literally beg, because I just cannot take this anymore. I feel that this agony, this torture, is too much to bear. Turning into a vampire was nothing compared to this. This does not cease after a couple of days. It gets worse. Worse and worse until all you can feel is the pain, until your entire mind is engulfed, and nothing matters anymore.

I am walking through the streets of Rio. All around me, people are laughing, young lovers and kissing on the corners, those long in love, holding hands. That is what it should have been like for me. I should have had that, Bella should have that, and all I wish is that it could have been with me for those moments. I would have given anything at all to be human, just so I cold be with her without having to hold back when I kiss her, or not pose any threat.

I know, that even if I come back to her, and plead with her to take me back, she will not. I broke her heart, why would she ever forgive me? I cannot even forgive myself.

My family would be happier though. They all miss me dearly, and I miss them immensely as well. I just cannot go back. I am ashamed, of the mess that I have become. They told me that it would not do either of us good, if I left. I wanted to believe them, to give myself a good reason to stay, to appease them, and to keep me sane.

How I wish, now, that I had taken their advice.

I think back to the happier era, the one where I would spend the nights in Bella's room, her head resting against my chest, like a pillow, though I know my chest is hard and cold. It could not have been very comfortable. I would leave in the morning, change, and get my car. The usual. And we were beyond happy.

Look at me now.


	2. Chapter 2

*Everything here is Stephenie Meyer's, not mine.

CHAPTER 2

Every single day, I fight the urge to go back to Forks. But every day, I satisfy myself of the fact that my absence is helping Bella. Maybe she has let go by now. Maybe she has a boyfriend, or at least something that is heading in that direction. And subconsciously, maybe I want that for her, but in reality, the anger and rage that I feel toward anyone who is infatuated with Bella, or asks her on a date, can be compared to only the rage I would feel if someone was trying to kill her. Like James, for instance. Except this anger is egged on by jealousy.

And all I can think is, it should be me. Selfish, I tell myself. No, selfish would have been if I had stayed, and put my Bella in danger for my own selfish gain. Selfish gain, which, had I let it get out of hand, would have most likely gotten Bella killed.

I had been wandering the streets for hours now, aimlessly walking, slower than usual, going nowhere. When you were a broken vampire in Rio, where would you go? Lonely and desolate, I walk for hours, every night. These are times in which I wish I could sleep. Succumb to the ignorant bliss or unconscious for a few hours, at least, where I could dream, dream of Bella, dream that we were still together and content.

My phone rings, then. A shrill, annoying reminder of reality. I answer it slowly. After 3 rings, not right away, like usual. I looked at the caller ID. Rosalie. I wonder what she wants. I don't really care, nor do I want to talk to her right now, but I answer the phone anyway.

"Rose?"

"Edward- something's happened to Bella."

That snapped me out of my reverie. "WHAT? Is she okay- oh my god, what happened?"

My sister began talking so fast that no humans could even comprehend one syllable. She told me that Alice had seen Bella in La Push. She was on the edge of a cliff, and it was a straight drop until it intersected with the writhing ocean. Bella was standing, toes hanging off the edge, with an absentminded smile playing across her face.

And then, eyes closed, My Bella flung herself off the cliff. In a surprisingly graceful swan dive, she plummeted towards the dark water, screaming, not in fear, but exhilaration.

And she didn't resurface. Alice had watched for a while, and then her future disappeared. Bella was dead. Her body lying at the bottom of the water. Perhaps they would find her quickly, her car was near the cliff. They would have a funeral, and Charlie would be so sad. And it would be all my fault. I had driven my dear Bella to commit suicide. I, in the process of trying to help her have a more normal life, free from danger, I had basically killed her myself.

It felt like the world was crumbling around me. There was no floor, no walls, no one around me. I sank to the ground, but with my seemingly deteriorating mind, I had made a choice, and that choice calmed me.

I had really made the choice months ago. Bella was going to die sometime, and I had no plans to outlive her by very long. I remember, back when I was with her, watching Romeo and Juliet, and telling her that I would never live without her. I would go to the Volturi and provoke them into killing me, if they would not oblige when I asked them nicely. She had been horrified, but I want dead set on that. I had known that I would do that from the beginning. From the day I realized I had fallen in love.

"Edward- Edward? Say something, please." I had forgotten Rose was still on the phone.

"Goodbye Rose."

"No, Edward. listen to me, please. You don't-" she didn't even get to finish her sentence. I had ended the call, walked up to a trashcan, and thrown my phone into it. My world suddenly seemed very steady at that moment. I would see my Bella soon.

When we had both ceased to exist, she would be in heaven, and I would be god knows where, but maybe, if Carlisle was right, perhaps after all these years of refusing the blood of humans, and trying as hard as we could to be good, maybe I belong in heaven as well. In a silly gesture, I crossed my long fingers, because if I was going to die, and get into heaven- to be with Bella- I needed all the luck I could get. I chuckled a little internally. What voluntary imminent doom was doing to my mind, I wasn't really sure.

I called over a cab. There were almost none out, so I had to walk for ten minutes to find one. But it didn't really matter in the long run. What was ten minutes to a shattered man who had lost his reason for life, and was about to have her again, in his arms. Her sweet floral scent penetrating the air. What was ten minutes, when I had resisted this long.

Everything. I couldn't wait ten minutes, who was I kidding? I was so selfish, even though the object of my affections had just flung herself off a cliff. I had always been impatient.

I got in the car quickly, and spoke only two words.

"Rio Airport."

I would see my love soon.

Author's note- This chapter was not as edited as the first one, because I thought that I would do a chapter before I went away for a week and a half on vacation. If none if you like it, I'll redo it when I get back.

XOXO


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: Stephenie Meyer owns everything

A/N sorry it has taken my so long to post again, as I explained before I am on vacation and have had very little time to write. I am heading back home tomorrow, so I should be able to post more regularly, which will probably end up being every other day, and when school starts up again, I will be able to post every 3 or 4 days.

Please Read and Review! Remember- the more reviews, the faster I post!!

XOXOXO

CHAPTER 3

It had been a long plane ride. The girl sitting across the isle in first class was staring at me the entire plane ride. She was an obvious bottle blonde and she was wearing far too much make-up. And her thoughts were far past inappropriate. I tried to zone her mental voice as best I could, but it was hard. She was practically screaming up there. Ugh. We were just landing, and they could not do it fast enough.

I was walking through the busy Rome airport. People were scrambling to catch flights and running every which way. I hate airports. To hectic for my tastes.

Since I didn't have a car, I was forced to steal one. Well- I guess I didn't really have to steal one, I could has rented one, but I wanted something quickly. Alice probably has already seen me go to the Volturi, so I need to get there without the delay of waiting for a good rental car. Filling out the forms is not to my liking right now. All I want to do is follow Bella.

I found a really fast car, a Ferrari. As a sped through the Italian countryside towards the city of Volterra, people stared at the car, which was going 140 miles per hour on a 55 MPH highway, and at me. If they looked fast enough to actually see me in the car before I sped away.

It wasn't long until I was going up the winding road to the city of Volterra. The city was surrounded in large stone walls, and the buildings showing above it were beautiful, I supposed, but to me they were foreboding and clear evidence of royalty, with the twisting turrets and towers. But even though the architecture was stunning, the black stone made them look sinister.

It was the early morning in Italy, around 3 A.M. the streets were empty, save for a figure in the corner, passed out with a bottle of liquor held slack in their hands. I didn't really know where the Volturi resided, but I had seen the building in Carlisle's head once before and I remembered it vividly. I was sure that as soon as I saw it I would know.

After just a couple of minutes, I saw the building that I had seen in Carlisle's thoughts. I walked in and saw a reception desk, which was vacant, so I just walked down the long hallway, lit with fluorescents and painted a pale beige. As I was walking, someone stopped me. From her thoughts, I could tell that her name was Jane, and that she was a member of the guard. I spoke quickly.

"I would like to speak with Marcus, Aro, and Caius, please, Jane." Her eyes widened by a almost indiscernible amount, it would have been invisible to human eyes, but I saw it, as a reaction to the fact that I knew her name, and she obviously didn't know mine.

"Who are you?" _Obviously a vampire, but he has gold eyes. Not red, like us. How strange. I wonder what he wants to speak with all three of them about. _Her thoughts were confused.

"I am a vampire. My name is Edward Cullen. Now I would like to speak with them please. I don't like to wait."

"This way." She began to walk down the hallway. "And don't even think about trying anything." I wasn't about to. I knew what her "power" was from reading her thoughts. She could induce the illusion of pain in your mind. By willing is to be so, she could have made even someone as strong as Emmett or as fast as me fall to the floor in agony, without lifting a finger. I followed her petite form silently, flipping through the images of Bella in my head. It didn't hurt anymore. A pleasant calm had settled over me after the initial shock of hearing the news from Rose.

We were there. Jane opened the door and standing on the far side of the room was Aro, Marcus, and Caius. And next to them were their personal guards. There were only 3, one standing at each vampire's side, ready to fight for them at a split-second's notice.

"Aro, Marcus, Caius- Edward Cullen here would like to speak with you all." She shot me a look that I did not fail to notice.

"Thanks you very much Jane," The one named Aro said. "You can leave now."

Jane shot me one more suspicious look before walking gracefully out the door and shutting in her wake.

"So- Edward Cullen. Are you related to dear Carlisle. And I see you have the same eyes. Fascinating, the life he- and you- has chosen." Aro spoke again. I could tell from his thoughts that he had a talent not too much unlike mine. With the introduction of physical contact, he could hear every single thought you had ever thought. I knew what he wanted.

"You want to read my thoughts, fine." I really wanted to get to the point. Better to be straightforward. I walked forward, my hand outstretched slightly. His guard stepped in front of him protectively, but he waved him off, and the guard moved, watching me warily. One false move, I knew, would set them off.

Once I was close enough, he took a step forward and touched my hand lightly. He only took a second before he stepped away again, and looked at me with surprise.

"You wish for me to kill you?" Everyone around him looked at me in surprise as well after that. "I'm sorry about Bella, but I cannot just grant your request. Let us confer for a few moments." I could tell he wanted to ask me one more thing. _Why is Bella the exception? _

"I truly have no idea. It is as if she has some natural mental protection." Aro smiled.

"Fascinating. Well, Edward, why don't you go wait outside in the lobby. Someone will come retrieve you when we are finished talking.

I was ushered out by the one named Felix, and led back down the dark hallway to the lobby, where he pointed to a couch, turned, and left.

And I waited.


	4. Chapter 4

I had waited on the couch for an hour before they let me back in. but as soon as I reached the room I could hear Aro's mental voice, and I knew that I would net be granted my wish. It was unusual to ask for someone to kill you, expescially as a Vampire. I was the first suicidal vampire any of them had ever encountered, even in Aro, Marcus, and Caius' 3000 years. But that was not the reason for their decline. That was why they were intruiged. Aro had seen Bella in my thoughts, and he knew the extent to which her blood called to me, and the fact that I resisted, and we fell in love. It was almost unheard of for one of us to fall in love with a human.

"Welcome back, Edward. I apologize for taking so much time."

"There is no problem at all, Aro. But I can see that you are going to refuse my request."

"Ah, yes. It is a waste, my friend. it would be a sad waste if you were to perish. And of course, I do not want to upset my dear friend Carlisle. I wish to keep out friendship strong, and our alliance. I'm sorry, but I cannot kill you." Of course, I already knew that. I guess I would have to resort to more drastic methods, now.

"I see. Thank you for your time."

"Anytime, Edward. Felix will escort you out. "

Felix walked to the door. I followed quickly, and as soon as I was through the doors they swung shut. We walked out to the lobby, and sometime while I was back in the room with Aro, the receptionist had come and was sitting at the desk.

"Good morning, Felix," said the receptionist, Gianna

"Gianna, take Edward Cullen here to the door?" And with that, he left, running back down the hallway back towards the tower room.

Gianna stood. "Follow me, Mr Cullen." She walked towards the short hallway on the other side of the room. At the end of it was a plan white door, unremarkable and ordinary. I walked out onto the stone streets of Volterra. Today was a special day for the townspeople. It marked the anniversary that celebrated the banishment of the vampires from the city. Of course, I knew that it was all a ploy. They had never left, but back a couple thousand years ago, Aro, Marcus, and Caius had pretended to banish the vampires forever using the stereotypical methods. The garlic, holy water, crosses. There were a lot of people in the streets already, though it was only 6:30. Children with red capes and plastic fangs ran around, their parents trying to control them.

It was going to be a very sunny day, I could tell. There were no clouds, and even this early, it was already pretty bright. It would be best to stay out of the shadows. I began walking, thinking of ways to provoke the Volturi into ending my existence. Many thoughts ran through my head. Things that would provoke them into attacking.

I should wait until there are more people out, maybe at 9 am. I think I am going to hunt the townspeople. Vicious, I know, simple, and incredibly effective. Once I sink my teeth into someone's neck, drink their blood- although it holds no attraction after I have tasted Bella's blood, I will be dead before I can blink. Although my end is a "waste," they will do whatever it takes to uphold the utter unawareness of their people. They will do what they have to, I am counting on that.

Soon, the streets will be teeming with people. I, standing in the shadows, tensing to run into the crowd and start killing and sating my thirst.

The time passes as an immaterial object. The 2 hours I have allotted to wait zoom by, and it is 9 o'clock. But I have thought about hunting humans more. Although it will induce the reaction I am hoping for quickly, I don't want to disappoint Carlisle. I will have to think of something else. Maybe I will throw a car through a wall? Jump off a tower gracefully? Walk into the sunlight… of course. The million diamond facets of my skin in sun are impossible to miss, to forget, and I am positive that it will elicit an attack on their part. And I will be with Bella again.

I am going to wait until noon, though. The sun will be right in the center of the sky, and there will be the largest crowd. The palazzo de priori, especially today will teem with tourists and natives to see my sparkling skin. With no shirt, of course. Now all I have to do is wait, and then walk into the sunlight. So simple, so _right._

With the remaining hours of my life, all I will be doing is remembering Bella. Not really that different from what I usually do, but this time it does not throb. I can remember every single minute I was with her now, without being afraid of the agony. The night that she asked me to stay with her, and when she woke up and saw me sitting in her rocking chair, she was so happy. Port Angeles, in the restaurant, where she admitted that I dazzled her.

And when she told me she knew what I was. I told her to say it, out loud. "Vampire." I hear it like it was happening right now. I was so surprised. She knew, why did she not run? Why did she not fear me, even subconsciously, like everyone else? And yet I was so relieved. I didn't _want_ her to run, I loved her, even then, in the beginning.

And then there was when she first met my family, and Esme was so happy, and Alice and Bella became instant friends. Weeks later, there was the prom, which Bella was extremely reluctant to do, even though she didn't even know we were going to prom until I told her in the car on the way there. Her leg in the cast, we danced- or I danced with her feet standing on mine, my arms holding her waist. The sweet taste of her pink lips, molding perfectly with my cold ones.

I will taste her lips soon; I will breathe in the sweet floral I have not smelled in months, for which I crave desperately. I will meet her wherever it is the afterlife takes me. If there is one for our kind. Carlisle thinks there is for us, and I will put that theory to the test today.

It is only mere minutes from noon now. I am standing next to the giant clock tower in the palazzo. The sun is just as bright as I expected, and there are hordes of people out.

I tune everyone out, now. Instead of people talking, I hear a quiet, peaceful humming. My eyes are closed, and I stand still like a statue, carved from white marble. Faintly, I hear the bell toll 12.

I breathe in one last time, and take a step forward into the sun.


End file.
